So.... I had a bit of a wake up call on the way to Dallas. DS and PS were in the car with me and we were having great conversation, talking about our families, etc... I was talking about my niece and my brother, and mentioned how controlling he is - that everything has to be his way. He's a control freak. DS comments - must run in your family! huh? It hit me really hard, but I tried not to let on. I said, in as casual a tone as I could muster, I'm a control freak? Bossy and arrogant yes, but I never thought of myself as a control freak! She says, well, you want things your way - your way is the only right way. Whoa. She wasn't being mean or hurtful, just honest. Now I do know I'm that way - especially with ML and mom. But my girlfriends? I hadn't seen that one coming. I filed it away in my mind and tried not to let it bother me, but it has been festering all weekend. I've been praying for women in my life that will speak truth to me, not let me get away with double minded bs... and DS is that woman. It's hard to take, but I'm so thankful that she speaks truth to me, and that I can try to change.
So yeah - trying to change. My first question to her is, please give me an example! I don't even know I'm doing it - how can I change it? I haven't asked her this yet - I'm not ready. But I did talk to MLabout it, and he said, yes, you are controlling about how you want things done. And I DO know this.... but I felt like I had been making progress. Apparently not. For example, he unloads the dishwasher backwards. He starts at the top... and then all the water from the glasses falls onto the dishes and silverware below. Then the dishes and silverware get put away wet. When he does laundry, he doesn't look for more to do, he just does what he has, instead of getting the rest of the whites. Stuff like that. So I say - hey - you know what I found? If you unload the dishwaher from the bottom up - silverware, then bottom, then top - things don't get put away wet! Yay! Or, when you do laundry, please look for the rest of the clothes too. And he sees that as controlling. I see it as , duh! :P booga. We were driving to the airport, he turns his turn signal on and changes lanes. Then leaves the signal on. finally - after what seemed like 10 minutes (was probably a minute of drive time) I say - your signal is on. In a kind tone (or so I thought). He says - controlling? huh? I say - no, dangerous. How is it dangerous he asks? Well, some idiot pulls out cause they see your signal and there is a wreck - very dangerous. :P Booga. Nope, he sees it as controlling. This crap is driving me nuts. So I drive home from the airport in tears, because I feel like the victim - getting picked on. I'm really supposed to say nothing? Ever? That's what it feels like. I've long said that people like me until they get to know me, and I guess it's because I get tired of being "polite" and listening to them talk smack. I call people on their bs. Why? Because I'm controlling? I guess so. More so because I'm right. Or am I?
LF (my mentor in AK) has told me a few times that I have issues with pride. Usually in relation to ML. I've been reading The Peaceful Wife blog and thought I was making progress. But not so much in his eyes. The turn signal thing - I told him, I said it nicely, I'm not telling you hey stupid, turning your freaking turn signal off. But your are thinking it, he says. ???? NO, I wasn't. Or I don't think I was... but he thinks I was, and that's what really matters. How others perceive what I am saying. :P So basically I can't say anything at all - because it's not even HOW I say it that matters.
So this is hard. Last night I changed my victim thinking to "it's my choice how I act." But I still think I'm right. So now I'm praying that God will open my eyes and change my heart. I searched my Bible for an "ah-ha" but got nothing. I know I need to be repentant but I'm not there yet. :( In the meantime, I'm backing off from everyone, and trying to keep a low profile. :P Feel like God isn't near, my heart is hardened. This is not the woman I want to be. I want to be the woman that people love more as they get to know me. The woman that encourages and uplifts continually. I just don't even know how to do that with some people. I think this is a situation only God can change. And it doesn't feel like He's around to do it.
I'm praying for Him to open my eyes, soften my heart and rip this root of pride right out of me. :( Booga.
